To: You...

long talks 'side summer lakes

days like these, moments of infinity

quiet, quiet it breaks

no words, no sound but that of clarity

 

bright smiles within bright eyes

sparkling from without, from within

still hugs and quiet byes

with them, all will go dim

privates lines from private vaults

a gesture of trust, treasured above

honest words with honest faults

 in secret places, safe in a cove

secretive lines hidden in paper white

maybe, all of that IS the point it was for

the only exception, the only right

this, is better than anything i've hoped for

To: You

of hurricanes and old music...

i read through ALL my old blog posts yesterday..

i mean, all, even from the first blog..

it was like..wow..i honestly don't know how you guys could stand me last time..i was a lil whiny, a lil immature and a whole lot of stupid all thrown into one. wow...
and i use the word 'man' alot. it's so amusing to read the way and stuff i wrote and how there are emoticons and lil editor's note kinda stuff all in the blog. and most of them were very long.

and i realised i started blogging, to put honest thoughts out into the world..as opposed to always speaking in riddles and metaphors now.

you ever look back at the person you remember you were, and ask where it all changed?

i don't know where it all changed. but i do know that more importantly, i have changed. alot. and in my humble opinion, much for the better.

i don't know why i am saying this, except that i guess i was taking a trip down memory lane. and i look back at it mostly with an impassionate air. like the memories don't belong to me and i am watching it from a movie.

and i remember thinking to myself, wow, how could you have been sooo stupid? so blindly naive and so dumb.

i post alot of music back then and i don't even remember how they go..wow, change, again..

why did i take that lil journey? well..i don't have a journal back from then, i only started writing down thought, private ones this year. and all of it from back then would have gone into it had i one.

to all who commented then (i remember Ah-Phung's comments alot) and i read through them again..thanks, for the advice and the reading...

and i am hoping that whatever past mistakes i did, i will never, ever make them again.

life's too short, you know? to go on repeating the same ones.

make new ones instead.

days like these pt 2...

every word you say, i think

i should write down,

don't wanna forget come daylight...

Paperweight by Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk

days like these...

i never want them to end...

to the world, you may just be somebody, but to somebody, you may just be the world...

this is exactly where i want to be...

i wake up in the morning where you are the first thing on my mind.

your image in my mind is so sharp and clear...

and then, when i see you, i think to myself that my mind has got nothing on the real you.

~

jumble of thoughts:

crossroads will be there for all my life, get used to it and learn to like it.

if i could break all the clocks in the world to stop time, i would...but that would be selfish.

i want to go out there and make my mark in the world. i don't know how.

Cadence by Anberlin

and it is you...

i've been this way with so many before,

but this feels like a first time...

Paperweight by Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk 

~

definitely, maybe?

no, just, definitely.

definitely.

and in that moment, i swear, we were infinite...

retrace...

i walked through the sand, my footprints echoing silently behind me, past guardians following me for miles, curving away until it was lost from the eye.

the tide came in then, and washed away all the prints, everything of where i came from, who i was and leaving nothing for me to retrace.

and i stood there, frozen in time. there is nothing left back there. nothing left to guide me home.

there is only now, and there is only the sand in front of me.

hear you me...

Godspeed by Anberlin

Work by Jimmy Eat World

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North 

All This Time by One Republic

Paperweight by Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk

a good summation of all my thoughts.

i'll see you later then...

i don't know why i always feel the need to write down the inner machinations of my brain...

'we put pen to paper in the face of devastating tragedy, we just try to make sense of it.

maybe we'll find clarity in some of the words. maybe we'll find peace.'

this is not a devastating tragedy, not even close with the floods in China and Pakistan and what not.

i have made my decision, and i have made my peace with the decision. i am saddened though, to think of the work that could have been done in The Hailer, the work of the Student Council. the people who have come to matter so much to me.

yea, i know, the what ifs and the might have beens can be a real thorn.

nevertheless, i will go to Segi. i will be Your light there. i will be more than my plans. i will be more than what i thought i had and was in Life.

i will be, with Your help, more. 

so where does that leave us?

i guess..in as many words as this...it doesn't, it doesn't leave us.
not us.

six billion souls...

let me begin by saying this is a happy post, probably the happiest in awhile.

.

and the way God works..wow..if you didnt read turning left to turn right , you probably won't get this. but wow, the roads you take and don't really affect your life...

on the way back from old klang road, i thought i'd meet a friend for a few minutes, so took a detour into ss2, instead of federal towards home. after that, i took the ldp back. as i drove out of the DU tunnel, i saw a girl in the middle of the highway.

in. the. middle. of. the. highway. cars just zoomed by her madly, i was one of them.

i stopped and got out to find the girl. she was hiding, crying on an overhead bridge. sat there awhile with her and then her cousins came so i left.

she said her boyfriend left her, and that she was down there, wanting to throw herself in front of a car. thank God she did not.

and i was thinking, if more people had stopped, had showed that they cared, it would go a long way to restoring her hope in humanity. and i would like to think that i made an impact on her life tonight, enough for her to know that there are people out there that still loves her.

if ever you think there are not, think again. if ever, you're feeling hopeless and down, i hope you get to see this. people still care, i care.

how is this a happy post?

well, i guess, God gave me an opportunity to make an impact on a life.

~

sometimes, mere words are not enough...
but all you need is one...

on a mission to the middle of nowhere...

i was down in kl this evening, visiting my grandma's place.

it was the neighbourhood i grew up in, real old school kampung, a forest and a swamp amongst modern looking houses (it's hard to imagine, but if you can imagine perpetual green punctuated by cicada chirping in the summer heat amongst normal houses, you're almost there...)

so, to my point.

i was driving up the road, and i see this kid, cant be more than six years of age,

pedalling furiously towards me, alone, tongue lolling out with i think the most joy i have seen in anyone's eyes these days, bar none.

and that joy. i mean, i see him, and i stopped the car in its tracks, just watching him pedal on furiously pass me to where ever he was going.

i am unsure as to why the image struck me so.

maybe because of the incongruity of the picture: a kid with a mission in the middle of nowhere.

and i think, you and i can relate to that.

you = hope...

~

 words that i can't say

i say through song and prose
these words that i can't say
one day i will to you

turning left to turn right...

do you ever wonder at the possible ramifications or the probable consequences of your actions had said actions not been taken but different actions had?

in english: if you'd turned left instead of right?

today, i missed a turning, trying to go where i was supposed to be going.

the 'wrong turn' turned out to be where i didnt know i wanted to go, but was where i was supposed to be going.

and this happens all the time, especially when i am driving in unfamiliar places. it is not the best way back home, because the best way home is the one you planned for. the 'wrong route' is not the best way, but it has been the right way.

to me, it illustrates that God has a better plan than you do for your life.

 not to say that you don't plan, but don't let your plan supercede His plan.

and if ever you take a wrong turn, don't sweat it and don't get angry.

enjoy the ride, enjoy the detour from your comfort zone.

and who knows, you'll find something more just around the corner.

another piece of a missing puzzle...

i have been in the desert for a long time.

where nothing seems to work, and nothing seems to happen.

where neither He nor i seemed to be on talking terms.

just, arid and dry, and tired.

and i have been trying to get past it, trying to move forward.

i have been missing church for the last three weeks.

and yesterday, i had to lead worship, was a last minute thing.

and i realised, i loved it, i love worshipping Him, i love being in His presence, where if i wanted to i could drink, and drink and drink. and i realised that through it all, He is still there, He never went anywhere, He has been holding my hand, and i am just too stubborn and blind to notice it, and that i have missed Him soooo much. i know i see a break in the horizon, and its not just a mirage. 

thank You, Lord, for teaching and guiding me, even when i don't see it, even when i didn't know i wanted it.

~

i remember saying here that the only constant in life is change.

i recant, and i take it back

there are two constants in life

change is the first,

but more importantly, my Lord Jesus Christ is the next constant.

He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

His Word is a constant, steady and unchanging.

His mercy is a constant; my forgiveness is assured.

His grace is a constant; overwhelming, undeserved grace.

His Love is a constant, even when you screw up, even when no one else loves you. 

He loves you, pure and simple.

the other thing that spoke to me today was that i need to change.

God has put in my heart awhile ago, about my words.

let me tell you now, words have power, power you don't even realise it had.

 1 Thess 5:11 (NIV) says that Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

i am not, my words and my sarcasm cut and destroy people.

here, i want to say i am sorry, very sorry for the words i use, and the things that i have said.

i am very sorry, and i will try to be a better person and friend to you.

i will be better, because all of you, deserve better than this.

peace.

i will not be one day late...

you know that one moment

when you tilt your chair a little too far back

and you get this skip in your heartbeat,

that split second when you think

omgosh i'm gonna die 

yeah, it's kinda like that
i'm stuck there
and i don't want the chair to fall, nor to right it again.
just, stuck there.

~

i will not be one day late...

i. can't. see...

there was a girl who was blind, and she hated herself very much

she only loved her boyfriend, who also loved her very much.

he was always there for her.

one day, she told him she would marry him if only she could see the world.

finally, the day came when a pair of eyes were a match for her

and after the surgery, she could see.

to her shock, she saw that her boyfriend was blind as well.

he asked her to marry him, but he was blind, so she refused, and left him.

he left in tears and left her a note.

the note said

take care of those eyes my dear.

they were once mine.

-author unknown-

taking stock...

well. if you didn't already know, i am on holidays, have been for three weeks, with one week to go.

i have a list of things i need to accomplish for these days (funny how some humans can't just, live, you know? they must have a list. a list of chores, of things to do, of people to kill...)

so on my list for this holiday, in no order of importance, were these:

go see a doctor.

fix the car (check)

read (check)

write (neverending-but-check)

upgrade room (semi-check)

learn latin (1/50 check)

and i am disatisfied with what i have not done.

but on the other hand.

i sat in theme park stuff (rollercoasters, flying thingamajigs, faliing whatcamacallits)

i drove to penang for the first time

have been asked if i wanted a hooker (answer was no, but thanks)

went to a concert in the rain (it was too awesome)

 exercised alot

rediscovered bits of myself

met an awesome person

so thanks, thanks for your time. thanks for your company. thanks for the laughter and memories. 

thanks, for being you.

and i think looking at it, summer of 2010, has been one of the best times of my life. 

*scream*

so tell me what you want to hear

something that were like those years

i'm sick of all the insincere

so i'm gonna give all my secrets away...

Secrets by One Republic

random...

i had this dream a few days ago, i don't remember it all.

i remember this though.

in the dream, someone said something to me, and i woke up in a fugue to write it down :

this is why i e.joy talking to you so muvh...youre gunuimwly one of the most carih person i knpw

wait..what?

too true...

ripped it off here

and you know it.

~

Sacred by Tokio Hotel

i think, therefore, i am...

why is it always that we don't say what we feel

but we always feel what we say?

~

A Day Late by Anberlin

outside looking in...

from where i stand

i see you, but you don't

i see you, but you won't

from where i stand

i want you, but you don't

i want you, but you won't

from where i stand

i see dried blood

i try to wash them away

wipe those precious tears

soothe those ripples and fears

from where i stand

you look so beautiful

your melancholic smile

your brilliant mind

your perfect imperfection

from where i stand

i see you, but you won't see me.

-one way mirror-

Gone, Baby, Gone...

i only remember vaguely the lies

the ugliness and the evil that humans are capable of.

but the thing that stuck to me was that the world we live in

is neither black, nor is it white.
and i think that's the colour i see it in.

FUTURE ME...

there is nothing quite like running.

i did 10k this morning, broke my own record.

as always thought alot during the runs, but along the way, the thoughts become a muddle

and every thought is focused on getting the next breath.

stinging sweat in your eyes, the sun blazing on your naked skin, wind whipping your hair about.

there's nothing to it, just you, your muscles and the open road.

~

i was thinking about this, i ripped it off a friend's  blog.

and i think it makes so much sense.

~

Dear Future Me,

I am writing this is case you loose your way again. Read the above. Good. Now read it again. Better. Don't loose that conviction. Don't say you don't want it, don't give yourself a thousand reasons not to, there are a thousand reasons not to. So what? "Go after her. Fuck, don't sit there and wait for her to call..." Remember all that we have accomplised this morning. Remember what you wrote before, that you want the picture for the person in it, not just any picture. Remember, the worse that can happen is a bruised ego and a small heartbreak. Please, please don't forget. And after all that, remember that the person in the picture, is more important than the picture itself.

Yours sincerely,

Past Me.

~

i don't know where it leads. i don't.

but most times, that is why you should take it.

~

Maybe i know, somewhere,

deep in my soul, that love never lasts

we've got to find other ways

to make it alone, or keep a straight face

i've always lived like this,

keeping it comfortable, distant

up until now i've sworn to myself that i'm content

with loneliness

because none of it was ever worth the risk

well you, are, the only exception...

the breaking of bonds...

its so easy, the wrongs words uttered, the time people spend apart.

the apathy.

to form them again, or form new ones..

that's the hard part.

to this and that...

i felt for sure last night

that once we said goodbye

no one else will know these lonely dreams

no one else will know that part of me

i'm still driving away

and i'm sorry everyday

i won't always love, these selfish things

i won't always live...not stopping...

 

it was my turn to decide

i knew this was our time

no one else will have me, like you do

no one else will have me, only you

you'll sit alone forever 

if you wait for the right time

what are you hoping for?

i'm here, i'm now i'm ready

holding on tight

don't give away the end

the one thing that stays mine

amazing still it seems

i'll be 23

i won't always love what, i'll never have

i won't always live in my regrets

you'll sit alone forever

if you wait for the right time

what are you hoping for?

i'm here, i'm now, i'm ready

holding on tight

don't give away the end

the one thing that stays mine

Jimmy Ear World ~ 23

have a good look...

at the end of the day,

is writing so you will be recognised more important?

where  thousands will applaud and then go back to their lives,

nothing changed, nothing gained.

or is it writing words that mean something to someone?

words that will break walls, that will heal and mend.

that will be the reason one returns alive.

so i ask you, mirror.

what is more important to you?