For My Prettiest Friend

And so, I begin again.

A similar road, a different ending.

How does one mould two different parts of his being into one?

Because a part of me wants you to continue growing and learning and becoming the woman you can be.

And the other is selfish and obtuse and usually walks with his head in the clouds.

I wonder why here and why now. And I think to myself, that's not the right question. Why now is never the right question.

I don't have the right question. I don't have the answers to non-existing questions.

I just know that this is good. And right.

For the longest time, it seems that I had to remind people that life can be good, and life can be beautiful, and life can be more than what we think it could be.

And for the first time in my life, I am reminded of that. That life is beautiful and good and people can truly not have an agenda.

You remind me of purity, of hope and of second chances.

I don't know how the story will end, but you and I, we can find out together.

as

The First Day of the Rest of Your Life

As you would know by now, we (the team and I) have been working and writing and designing a report that features the youths of Malaysia. The report is finally now in the press, and, I can't say I don't feel a sense of loss that a chapter of my life is closing again. The journey has been so much of everything - experiences, new people, deadlines, sleepless nights. The journey has even been about just goofing around with a few friends and having fun with them while doing something that we are all passionate about.. But, above all, the journey has been about change.

Without giving any of the report away here, my editor, mentor, and above all, friend, closed the report with these words:

Instead explore and be open, because opportunity often presents itself in the least expected places, and who knows – that might be the beginning of our legacy.

How many people can point to one moment in life and say "That moment. That moment was the one that changed everything. That moment made me. That moment was the beginning of my legacy."

How many are blessed with this awareness?

This, this moment, wherever you are, whatever you are doing, whoever you are with, is no coincidence. It is correct and right.

You are meant to be in this exact spot, in this exact time, with this exact person, in this exact circumstance. Don't ever doubt that.

This, here, now, be it alone or with a person you love. This could be the first day of the rest of your life.
as

A Peck & A Pat

I stalked an old couple around the mall today.

I know, I know, everyone sees an old couple tottering around together and their first reaction is awww, how cute. I think mine went mostly along the same lines, although there was another reason why they piqued my interest.

Imagine this. A guy, old enough to be a great grandfather, pushing a lady of similar stature around a mall in a wheel chair, walking slowly, her hand over her shoulder to hold on to his as he wheels her about.

Every time he leaves her to go into a shop (not often, but the chair can't fit sometimes), he gives her a small peck on her white, fluffy hair and she will pat his hand. He goes in and comes out and again it repeats. A peck and a pat.

It was one of the sweetest scenes I have ever seen. They never passed a word between them, but she will hand him a bottle of water now and again and he will give it a sip and pass it back to her.

He had a twinkle in his eye all the time. Imagine that old grumpy guy from Up. Yes, he was very much like him, except in every single way. It was not a chore to wheel her about, he really, actually seemed to be enjoying it. Occasionally he would bend down slowly to whisper something into her ear and she would pat his face lovingly.

I don't know why this couple just..struck me. He came up to me to ask for directions, and thanked me in a toothy grin as I pointed him the right way.

I asked him, how long have you been married.

His immediate reply was all my life.

I don't cry much, or even easily, but that just brought a tear to my eye.

In a way, this reminded me of something. You know how, as a kid, all you ever needed was what was essential in life. Food, clothes, a few toys, love, and you're good to go. As we grow up, we accumulate stuff, we get more complicated. We eat strange and interesting foods, we have bigger and more expensive toys. Even love becomes more complicated.

And then, at 80, it's as if we are coming home from all that. Food, toys, everything becomes as they were, simple, uncomplicated. Even love. Love becomes a quiet peck on the head, and an affectionate pat on the hand.

In essence, maybe that's all everyone will ever possibly need out of another person. A hand to hold and a head full of hair to kiss.

as

There Is Always a Third Option

One of my favourite poems starts off like this:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

Two roads. And that's the crux of it, isn't it? Always there is a choice, a decision to be made, with ripples that you'll probable still see 20 years down the road. A T-junction.

I was faced with one of them this year. A choice, between shoving my anger into someone's face, or shoving my face into my anger. Two choices.

You may not realise this, but there is always a third choice as well. You have a choice of just, letting it go. That's it. No shoving anything anywhere.

There is always a third option, and with time and some perspective, it usually is, by far, the best road to take yet.
as

The Bricklayer

There was a big pile of bricks on the floor.

She looked at it, and without a word, started to arrange them. Brick by brick, she slowly arranged them neatly on the ground.

The new pile began to take shape, and passer bys would ask her what she was doing. She gave them a strange look and said I'm putting bricks together.

They asked her what it was. She replied with a shrug and continued.

Sometimes she threw away bricks that were broken, sometimes she kept them and added them to the pile. Layer by layer, it began to take shape, and after two years, she deemed it worthy.

They asked her why she stopped, why it is now worthy.

She said her job is complete. She only wanted to build a foundation.

A foundation to what, they asked her.

Another shrug. A foundation to whatever, she said. It can be anything, everything. Whatever it wants to be. It is now time for it to build itself.

It can be anything is wants to be. I believe it can. All it needs now is to believe in itself.
as

I Miss

Writing God-awfully long letters and emails.

Standing outside in the rain.

Making music.

Driving for hours.

The sun.

The sea.

Being somewhere else.

Writing news stories.

That feeling when a book writes itself.

Winter.

Random people, all around the world.

Coffee (not the stuff I make)

Running, Swimming, Hiking

Going somewhere new

Connection

You

Clean and Free: BERSIH 2.0

People shouldn't be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people.

Alan Moore 

Firstly, let me just say that I love my country, and for all its flaws, the current government did see us through many tough times over the past 50 years. If you don't believe it, let me just ask you, how many of us were severely affected by the recent economic disaster that saw unemployment rates in the U.S. rise to 8.9% (Wiki)? For comparison, during the same time period, Malaysia's highest was 4.1% (TradingEconomics).

Still, there's so much that is not right, so much that could be right, and so much that should be. I am not advocating reformation, I am not advocating we march and disrupt peace in our capital. What I want, what I believe in, is, plain and simple, democracy.

Democracy, that's all. That's all we want.

I won't tell you about that day; you probably already know about it via unbiased media, but here are some pictures I took.

Home

My brother is leaving to the U.S in almost exactly a month. I can't help but think that we are so similar in so many ways. My other personality, the talkative one, the child-like one, the one who plays computer games, comes to the fore especially around him. I guess that's what little brothers are for.

He's leaving, and I just realised that I would be diminished somewhat by his absence. He's a part of the support structure in my life - the people who are ever present and always around, the ones you take for granted because they never go anywhere. My life is stable and I stay grounded, all thanks to people like him.

I wonder why it never occurred to me sooner.

I used to think I'm overly optimistic, and overly carefree; a boy who reads too much and dreams too big. I just realised that I am allowed to be who I am, because of all these people, the support structures that each and everyone of us have in our lives. They provide the stability that I need - and never understood - and in that stability, allowed me to want to go out and just live, with the knowledge that if ever I needed to come back, home will always be there.

And that, to me, is the truest sense of the word home.

Home is not just where your heart is. Home is wherever these people are, the people whose hearts are for you.

It's nice, having some place to always come back to.
as

Words, Hands, Hearts

Words. Hands. Hearts.

Three words that could very nearly sum up everything that has happened in my life the past year. Very nearly, because this is one of those times that they are not enough.

I don't like goodbyes. I like the opportunities that come with it, the excitement with knowing that life is moving on. I even like the part of missing someone, be it a friend or someone more, because then you know that they mean something in your life, and you fight to keep that bond ever more alive.

This year I've had to go through a list of goodbyes, friends leaving to dangerous places, and even more, saying goodbye to someone very close to my heart. It wasn't easy, it will never be, because if it is, then that person definitely didn't mean much. I won't say my heart broke, because most people don't give the heart the credit it deserves. And even if it does, and it will one day, in the words of a song:  a heart that's not worth breaking, isn't worth not much at all.

Really, your heart is stronger than you give it credit for, so take a chance. And if it ends, then, let go.

Let go. It's not an instant change. Letting go is not about throwing your now directionless love away. It's not about trying your damnedest to forget memories or putting them in the strongbox of your mind, locking it and throwing away the key, afraid of the contents and how they will make you feel. It's not about throwing yourself into the arms of the next waiting person, not about smothering that feeling of emptiness with sex or drugs, because to not do so will be to actually feel.

It is everything that is opposite. It is a journey that takes much time and effort. It is about not being afraid of how you feel. It is about knowing that you loved that person, and knowing that you can still do that without needing reciprocation, because that is what it was supposed to be. It is about growing when you're alone. Letting go is about cherishing the memories, but not being afraid of making new ones. 

It is about knowing that words, handwritten together on the tablets of both hearts will always, always be details in your fabric.

And in the end, that's it. Just words, hands and hearts.
as

23 Years = 8395 Days = 201480 Hours

This place has been kind of bleak, kind of like a place hopes and dreams go to be run over by a car and left to die...

All that is going to change, hopefully.

I have officially seen 23 years today. 8395 days. 201480 hours. That's a lot of hours. Even as I am writing now, another one goes by. As is tradition, I go back through the year and try to break it down into words, try to go back up memory lane to see what I've done, and what I would redo, and maybe even what I won't do - a kind of playbook to make the coming year better. This year, however, will be different.

This year, I am going to count my blessings. This year, I am going to remember everything that made me smile, everything that gave me fulfillment, and everything that made me grow.

My calling in life found me over the past year: to change lives through the written word. Opportunities have come my way, even when I didn't knock. People showed their love, and I made some more life-long friends. Life-long friends showed the reason they will always be in my life, though miles may come between us. My family remain my pillar of rock and, in their silent way, gave constant encouragement.

I've loved, and was loved, and for that I will always count myself as blessed amongst men. For some reason a local newspaper hired me and I saw first hand the broken landscape of our media. I've traveled to the beautiful land of England, a childhood dream, and I enjoyed every freezing second of it. Through this all, God has been good and I can sense a new season approaching, along with the closing of this current one.

People come and go, lessons are taught and learned, a way found, lost, and found to be eventually lost again. The past year has been quite a ride, and more living has been done in this one year than I ever did in the past 23. You say 'this is sad!' but I say at least I found this out at 23.

I remember saying something here, something about older but not wiser. That was true then, but I can safely say this time around that I am older, and I am, finally, a little wiser.

as