Busy Busy

So a short update on what I am/will be/have been doing so far this year if you are interested.

I am still studying (you'd be surprised how many people ask me this) Diploma in Mass Comm at Segi UC. This semester, Photography and Videography are the heavy subjects. For Videography, we are doing a short film based on Adam Young's You Had Me At Hello (idea given by the awesome Crystal), and I am really excited to get a look at the finished product.

I recently started a job as a Stringer (a freelance journalist) with a local paper, The Malay Mail (this is what I've written so far). God has been good, and doors have been opening for me. Unlike the newsrooms that are exhibited on the telly, the newsroom at MM is actually civil and even docile. I wonder if bigger papers are more chaotic...

Lastly, I am working with (actually under, the guys have so much more experience in this) a few people on producing a report for One Young World 2011. OYW is a global youth summit, where youths (I use the term loosely, young people would fit the bill better) from all over the world come together to share ideas and listen to influential leaders expound on issues and whathaveyous. Actually, this is the project that I am most excited about, and thus far, working on it has been a blast.

Hope everything is going well with you! :)

A Primal Need for Validation

In both Wild at Heart and The Way of the Wild Heart, John Eldrege talked about a man's need to validated. He talks about how the need is ingrained in every man (I have yet to read Captivating, but someone dear to me has generously borrowed me it) and how every man - he used the word every - needs and wants -yearns - to be validated.

The sad part is that, there are too many of us (I believe I fall into this category) who look for validity in the wrong place; in most occasions, we look for validity in the woman, who John believes to be the epitome of beauty in creation (I totally agree with him).

He wrote that 'No woman can satisfy this longing in a man's heart, and no good woman wants to try.'

As I read his words over and over again, I think to myself was this what has happened over the years? I believe I did seek to be validated from my exes, who should not have had to take responsibility to validate me. I know I did - maybe still do - with this awesome girl God has put into my life.

It is as if I handed them a blank sheet of paper and asked them to read it to me.

And that's not all of it. I believe I seek to be validated from so many other sources. Who I am today is because of my need to be validated. I am a good son, because that way I will be validated by my parents. I try so hard to be a good man, because then I will be validated by society.

Don't you see it now? There is a primal and a deep pit of yearning to be validated in a man.

God asked me yesterday, as I sat in church thinking about this, what about Me? Do you need to be validated by Me? Do you yearn and hunger for my validation?

I had no reply, but He didn't need one. He knew my answer. The one source, the only way to be truly validated, and all my life I have disregarded it. I seek validation from work, from results, from peers, from girls, from every source but my Lord.

I don't know what went wrong, just that it did.

But, I do know that it is not too late to take that fork on the road, you see it? A little up, a ways there. No, it's not too late to try and find my way back.
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When the Earth Moves

What happens when the earth moves?

Quite simply, earthquakes, big waves and a whole lot of mess. This is besides my point, but I don't think I am ready for the End Of All Things yet. I still want to explore, dream, discover. 

But, back to my point, when the earth moves, everything is affected. Buildings, trees, even oceans. Lives are affected. It destroys our human illusion of control.

I wrote this post a along time ago, a little under a a year, back when life was just starting to make sense. Back when I just found signboards pointing me towards home again.

And yet, a year on, the earth is still moving under me, the ground is still shaking. I am still finding my road home, but home is an ever-changing location. All directions are labeled 'home' by the signboard at the T-junction.

So, what happens when the ground of your heart decides to shake again?

The same thing happens. Your life is changed. Everything moves. Your house is destroyed, and you need to find another place which will withstand the shaking.

But, as I sit here and write, I know that no matter the pain and the instability, all this can be a step forward. A conscious decision is made to change, a step is taken in the direction of a new house, with hopeful optimism that this one will be the last and the best one you've been in.

And maybe, one day, we will all realise that the house that we have found is in actuality, a home. Your very own home.

Godspeed, Japan and all the areas affected by the tsunami. Godspeed, all the families who have lost and are hurting. Godspeed, all of you who are looking for a place to call home.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

How happy are the blameless Vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd. 

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind remains to this day one of my favourite movies of all times. If you've not watched it, please do, but there are some spoilers here.

The movie
This movie is a love story about how even though a person is erased from your mind, there's no way you can erase the other from your heart. Joel is a writer, an introspective and reserved person. Clementine is a free-spirit, fiery and enthusiastic about everything. You can see how the relationship may not work out, and after awhile Clementine decides to walk away because she feels trapped (there's more to it, but go watch the movie). She undergoes an operation to wipe out her memory.

Upon finding out that Clementine now no longer knows him, Joel decides to go for the same operation. However, during the operation, the subconscious Joel decides that he no longer wants to forget about Clementine, and he wants to hold on to all their memories together. His mind runs to every significant memory that they had together and he tried, so hard, to hold on to them.

Goodbye
Their last goodbye was the most haunting I've ever seen in a film.

Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time? 

Joel: I walked out that door. There's no memory left. 

Clementine: Come back and make up a goodbye, at least. Let's pretend we had one.....Goodbye, Joel. 

Joel: .....I love you. 

Clementine: ...Meet me at Montauk....

So they both went about their lives, completely oblivious that they had been so big a part of each other's lives. Through the strangest of chances, they meet again on the train to Montauk, and again, they hit it off, and another twist shows them that they've actually loved before. The story ends with this quote.

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you. 

Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me. 

Joel: Ok. 

Clementine: Ok.

Reflection
I reflected on a host of memories, and actually I still am, which has lead me to this post. I am holding on so, so tightly to everything that I can remember of you and I. I don't want to lose them, because time will erase these memories. Even though I wrote it down, it's not the same, remembering a smile and reading about it.

Where will you and I be, in 79 days? I don't know, but that is a long time. Apropos, I will try my best, and then some more, to hold on to everything, the peaceful evenings in parks, that walk around KLCC, your scent that lingers in my car, the way your fingers leave traces of ice on my skin, that roadtrip where I decided that I want to know this crazy person a little more, lunches in KL, the quirky way you talk, Skype chats.

Our snowy December together, us cooking (or rather you cooking and me watching) together, snuggled up against the cold, Edinburgh, Whitby, London, Oxford and that beautiful day in Middlesbrough. The letters that I treasure most, above all my earthly possessions, the few songs that you sang, your artwork, your crooked smile and your silly dances.

And, like the movie, my answer to the question that you never asked, is a shrug, a smile, and an OK.

A Misguided Ghost

"I think..No, I believe that I am given my gift so I could help people. I hope I don't write anything that lessens anyone's life. I want to add to it."

This person I just met, barely half an hour into our first conversation, already gave me something to think about.

I guess, I am wondering what I've been doing all this while...And since I am still wondering with no answer at the moment, I guess I may take a little break off of writing here.

I feel...thin. Sort of stretched, like...butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A long holiday.

But, unlike Bilbo, I very much do intend to return, so come back periodically and hopefully we'll be back on track. Not this track, but the track that I wish to be on.

A song comes to me at this moment, it goes like this.

I'm going away for awhile

But I'll be back don't try to follow me

I'll return as soon as possible

...

I'm just one of those ghosts

Travelling endlessly

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The Way of the Wild Heart

1. Don't let God ride shotgun, let Him drive.
2. Don't avoid confrontation.
3. Don't be passive.
4. There are four stages in a man's life: Cowboy, Warrior, Lover, King.
5. Don't make any woman the center of your universe.

Just lessons and thoughts written in John Eldrege's The Way of the Wild Heart as I see it. I'll keep adding to the list as I go on with the book, but I thought I really needed to write it down somewhere in lieu of my missing journal.
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Limbo

You know how it is, when you wake from a deep slumber, only to fall back into a state of semi-sleep? A state of limbo in between two worlds, where words are breathed and lights are ephemeral.

Everything is unreal, you hear it all, but it is as if sounds come from across an ocean, and you see it all, but everything is non-distinct, shapes that are blurry at the edges. Colours are dispersed, nothing makes sense.

You ever wonder if there are some of us who go through life like that? Walking, breathing, talking, laughing. But to all intents and purposes, half asleep. Or half awake, stuck in the in-between state. A light with a switch that was not flipped on.

Could you tell if he was looking but never seeing? Listening but never hearing? Nodding but never understanding? Reacting but never acting? Could you?

All lost. Lost, the bread-crumbs that lead to their cottage all eaten by birds. Lost, floundering in a dark sea without realising, caged in the confines of their minds, trapped in a prison that they never intentionally made.

Could you help them? Would you? Of course you would.

But should you? What if the only way that they could deal with life is by disassociating? What if existing in a waking sleep is the only way, the only way out. Paradoxically, it is also the only way in.

I wonder if I do sometimes, if my systems shut down and I go into limbo. There are two years of my life, that however hard I try, I cannot recall anything significant.

What was I doing? Where was I?

And, for that matter, where were you?
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Dismantle, Repair

Because repairing something always requires dismantling what is broken.

Take it apart, piece by piece. Part by part.

Find what went wrong, sift through the screws and gears for an answer.

And then, maybe, salvaging it. Piece it together and stitch it up.

Make it new again.

Make it yours again.

Lessons LDR Taught Me

This is part two of a post with the same title. I think the title may not be so apt now; it should have been lessons LDR highlighted, but to digress...


Lesson 6: Change
What I always, always need to remember is that people will change. No it is not a bad thing, I personally think that one of the ways an individual can take a step forward in life is by changing. If the individual changes for the better, well, so much the better (no pun intended), if for the bad, he or she would realise that somewhere, something has gone wrong and rectify the problem, which is again, a good thing.
So, change. From experience, one of the things that I could not deal with in the past was that they changed. My immaturity couldn't see past the fact that they were not the same person.
Even now, 7000 miles away, a part of me finds it hard to deal with that change. I know that she has changed, but so have I. But then again, a huge part of me wishes that I could be there to see her develop her potential and come into all that she can be.

Lesson 7: I Am Not Enough
I have come to understand that I can't be everything for her, not especially from so far away. I don't know about most guys, but some of us (myself included) have a martyr syndrome, a serious psychological defect where we'd jump in front of a bus for you, take a bullet etcetc, it even affects the friendships that we have. But then again, if we (sorry for generalising, but to write 'some of us guys' all the time is very taxing) thought this way, to a certain extent it implies that they (friends, girlfriends, wives etc) can't stand up for themselves and that they are weak. I just want to say that this can't be further from the truth. Most of us are hardwired that way, and I think it will be very difficult to separate a man from his protective instinct.
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Part three is currently being written, stay tuned.
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Past, Present, Future

I've often gotten remarks from acquaintances about being a guy who blogs and writes. Usually, remarks from the male species goes something like, "You write (insert slightly disgusted facial expression)? About what? Your day? Your feelings?" while the girls usually are more ambivalent.

Regardless, my reply to their 'about what?' question would usually be "Oh, you know, anything that inspires me, absolutely anything." To which their reply would be a slightly perplexed silence.

But as I ponder slightly more about it, I realised so much has changed over the past few years, and to understand, I need to bring you back to who I was before, circa 2006-2008.

Without boring you, I was a mess back then. After high school - which I scraped through - I entered into a wilderness, unsure of myself, no clear direction in life. I was so lost. I skipped most of classes in A-Levels, which resulted in, again, barely passing. It was in this time of wandering and confusion I met a girl, who, now that I actually think about it, I really wronged. To a certain extent, I am partly to blame for her fall. At that time, I was searching for direction, and I thought I could find my identity in a girl, while at the same time, she was trying to find her identity in me. Needless to say, we both ended up disappointed and hurt. Again, with her, I was barely myself, I became the person she wanted me to be, and I don't have to tell you that that's not going to work.

After her, I was really lost, hell, she was the focus of my life for a year and a half. I drifted through a few jobs, and I wish I could tell you that in that period I really looked at my life, but I didn't. By nature, I hate confrontation, and to acknowledge that that was the lowest point in my life took a core of steel I just did not have. I closed my eyes and just sleep-walked through endless days of twilight.

There was no big catastrophe that made me change, but by random happen-chance, I read this quote by Paulo Coelho, in an introduction he wrote in his book, Like a Flowing River, his first book I ever read which remains a favourite of mine to this day. He said

I want to be a writer, not an engineer who writes.

So, a writer I am trying to be now.

Which brings us all the way to last year, where I entered Mass Comm hoping to major in Journalism. So your question, why do I write, and what inspires me, is basically this: I've kept silent for twenty years of my life. Now I realise that I have something to offer the world, and that is why I write. I am inspired by conversations that I have with people, random happen-chances that occur in my life that I know are caused by a Divine Hand.

A friend said yesterday, that "I feel like, most of my life I've been living in a dream." And I can really understand that. I can't tell you how sweet it is, that I am actually living, not surviving. I am really breathing, for the first time in my life. I just want to say that, God has been good, and while I never actively sought my direction, He just gave me a nudge and a wink into the right direction, making sure to unlock doors and all I had to do was step through it.

As to my future, there's this lesson that I just learned yesterday. All this while, I've been hankering for an adventure, and I read The Way of the Wild Heart by John Eldrege without truly knowing what I really wanted. He wrote that the Holy Spirit is fiercely adventurous, and that He will bring you on the adventure. I realised that all this while, He has been riding shotgun in my life, and it is now the time to exchange seats with Him and let Him drive. It reminded me of a post I wrote, so long ago.

I hope some of this speaks to you, wherever you are. Not all of us find our way through random occurrences,  and, coming from one who's been lost and actually sometimes still find himself in a desert, I hope that you find your way. If you need a shoulder, an ear, or a drinking companion, my door is always open.
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