Lessons LDR Taught Me

I've recently embarked on an ambitious journey with an awesome girl. She's currently 7000 miles away in the (currently) cold country of England while yours truly is in the land where everything is possible, Malaysia. Sometimes I wonder what we were thinking, embarking on this journey a month before she left. We've spent more time apart than we have together but there are some lessons that I have learned in these six months that seem so much more important now in a LDR.

Lesson 1: Communication
When a person is next to you, there is no pressure to fill up the spaces with conversation. But, when all we have is Skype (bless you, Skype), verbal words become more important. We can't hang out on Skype, and the silences in between are filled with stares and wandering thoughts. All we have are words.
Another point here is that it when arguments arise, it is much harder to solve, simply because I am not there. If I was, we'd have a decent face to face conversation and we can kiss and make-up. So, spoken words become all the more important. Also, spoken words without the accompaniment of gestures and body language can be misunderstood.

Lesson 2: Making Time
The both of us live in different time zones; we are 8 hours apart, so we try to talk whenever possible. It mostly involves some giving and taking, like loosing some sleep just so we can talk.

Lesson 3: Giving and Taking
While on that subject, giving and taking - and sometimes compromising and differing - becomes more important too. Not that it's not if she was right here, but coupled with the limited communication, disagreements become shorter when we can both agree to disagree on some issues.

Lesson 4: Living Apart
I think that too many couples today are too into one another. It is in my opinion that to have a successful relationship, the two must (note must, not should) have a fulfilling and full life exclusive of one another. So, this time apart has been a learning process for the both of us.

Lesson 5: Patience
Because she makes me want to throw my laptop out the window.
Kidding.. But, yes, patience. All my life, I've never had to wait so long for something, or someone. I am used to instant gratification. So, patience.

A Whisper in a Clamour

Not all stories have happy endings

Not all poems rhyme

Not all songs end in a harmony

Not all problems can be solved

Not all races have a finish line

Not all promises are kept

Not all wishes are granted

People change

People always leave

Love disappears

Not all dreams come true, desires met, prayers answered, friendships last

but

Without them, there'd be no new beginnings

Poems don't have to rhyme to be beautiful

Once in awhile we need discordant codas

Who says all problems have solutions?

It is the race that is important, not the finish line

Even if you can't keep it, try

Those that do makes wishing worth the while

So will you

Sometimes, they come back

To make way for loves that will not

Keep dreaming, keep reaching, keep praying, and keep being a friend

Wrestling with God

These past few days, I find myself wondering if it is better to be a good person, or to be a good Christian. Because God knows, I don't think I qualify to be on the good Christian pedestal anymore.

A good Christian boy (a stereotype, bear with me) doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink. Doesn't swear. Doesn't drive fast and run red lights. Doesn't judge a person. Is perpetually filled with peace and happiness. Listens to music that is likewise filled with peace and happiness and not the oh-my-so-emo-I'll-go-cut-my-wrist kind. Doesn't do drugs, obeys unquestioningly, preaches the Gospel to anyone who wants to hear and remains a virgin till he's married. Doesn't ask questions, doesn't doubt. Of course this is a stereotype, the person I just described probably doesn't exist (interestingly, if you do, let me know).

So, no, I am not the good Christian type. Everything that is mentioned above is something I am not, they may not be what I am now, but I've probably broken every one one of them. There are times when I feel like just giving it all up and stop fighting 'the good fight of faith'. No, don't get me wrong, Jesus IS the way, the truth and the life, nothing I've seen or heard will change that, but there are times I feel like just..dropping everything and walking away. I find it so..stifling, the establishment called the church.

'Why?' is a question I ask God all the time. Heck, 'why?' is a question I like to ask, period. My problem is that, when a question is asked about faith, there is no 'why?'. 'Why?'s don't compute in an equation where not seeing multiplied by faith equals believing. There is no 'why?'.

And so I wrestle with God, trying to find my balance between faith and doubt, because I can't help but to ask Him questions, but to question would mean that I doubt, and that doesn't sit quite right somewhere in my chest. You know, I can probably quote some scripture here now about 'having child-like faith' and 'faith can  move mountains' but I can't find it in me to have faith and to doubt at the same time.

I asked God about this, and He quietly reminded me of Jacob when he was wrestling with an Angel. At first, what came to my mind was that, oh, ok, so someone did wrestle with God and actually came out with answers. He (Jacob) persevered -they wrestled all night- and was rewarded richly and I thought, wow, cool, so it is fine that I wrestle with my doubts and my faith. But, the quiet voice continued, Jacob was maimed for life because of this.

At this, I was stopped cold. Is this what has been happening, I asked God. As I go through my doubts, falling, wrestling, sinning, is some part of my being 'maimed'? It has not been a physical wound, but there are wounds in my soul that I know I am not ready to show. And will my wrestling -like Jacob- cause a permanent damage to my self?

I know that the person that I am today is a result of the wounds of my past, without a doubt. The way I perceive the world, the way I want adventures, the way I treat the most important person in my life, the way I write, all of it affected partly by these wounds, or scars, if you will. Without the wrestling and the doubts and the faithless moments, I won't be here today.

But then again, Jacob received Something Very Important on that night, not just his limp. Maybe, the limp may just be worth if I too can receive that something.

Milestones

The milestones in a guy's life (chronologically):

1. Going to school (for most of us it is the first time leaving our parents' side, it is the leaving that is important)

2. Winning his first medal in competitions.

3. Skipping school (playing hooky).

4. First kiss (yes, it is important, no I am perfectly normal).

5. Graduation (high school).
6. Sleeping with his first girl (let's face it, it happens in the real world).

7. His first car.

8. Doing a solo trip in a foreign country

9. His first job.

10. Proposing.

11. Getting married.

12. Have kids.

13. Retire.

Anyone got any more?

Letters From the Sky

I drove by where you stayed today. I stopped awhile and got out of the car.

It's so quiet, so peaceful. The trees waved gently in the afternoon wind, birds were chirping and singing.

It felt like any other day, any other happy, hot day in this land of perpetual summer.

How long has it been since you've been gone? Time passes, we move on and you remain frozen.

I feel guilty sometimes, when months pass and I don't think about you and that day in April.

I keep telling myself I'd stop by more often, I'd come with flowers more often and keep you in my thoughts, to which I am sure you'd say I was gay and proceed to call me stupid.

I wonder if you have a mailing system up there, and I hope that, once in awhile, you would drop me a letter from the sky.

And maybe then, I can reply you and we'd continue where we left off.

Sometimes, there's only so much I can tell the living without them freaking out, or at worst, want to kill me and send me to you.

Anyways, just wanted you to know that I still think about you from time to time.

Oh yeah, and I will see you same time, same place as I do every year.

Look out for the guy in black with a white flower.

p.s. Why the heck are you still fleecing off an old guys tombstone? Get your own place man.

A Need and A Want

My lecturer (an Ad man and an awesome person) once told me this:

A want is more powerful than a need. A need is mundane, boring, but a want is powerful. A want is emotionally appealing, a want can be irresistible. Make the audience want something, and you have them eating out of your hands.

Recently, there has been a few Facebook related suicides. I don't mean to be callous about this, or to specifically point it out because suicides happen all the time.What I want to know is...Why?

Last year, I had a strange opportunity to help someone in need. Since then, the word suicide sticks out to me. I don't understand how a person can need another person so badly that he or she can't live without the other.

Because, the fact is,  no one needs another person in this world so much that they can't live (live, in every single meaning of the word) when the other leaves. We've got a screwed up notion of love. It's not supposed to be self-destructive. No, it's never been easy, but it is, in my opinion, always worth it. I can't help but to react with condescension at the fact that people commit suicide (or try to) because of a break-up. I know, judge not lest ye be judged, but I am only human...

A powerful want transforms, in the human mind, into a helpless need. It is not supposed to. We are supposed to want to journey together with the person we love, but not to need her to the extent that you find your identity in her. John Eldrege said that a man goes to a woman to offer her his strength, not get strength from her.
Why it is that the mass media portrays love as helpless and hopeless, a downward spiral into incoherent thinking? To need something will imply that a certain helplessness is involved. To need disempowers. To need means you've got no choice; satisfying the need is the only way out. And that is the difference between a want and a need. To be able to achieve what you want is a noble feeling. To want something empowers you with freewill. You'll fight for it, not because you can't live without it, but because you feel that whatever it is is more than worth fighting for.

Think about it. Would you rather be with someone who wants you? Or with someone who needs you? And likewise, do you want to be wanted? Or needed?

(My sincerest condolences to the families who have lost in such a painful manner. It is not my intention to belittle or to offend, and if I had done either, please accept my apologies.)
as

An Apology

One of the Sundays, a few weeks ago, I heard a message of forgiveness in church. At that time, I looked back into my life, wondering about the people who've wronged me. Friends who I taught were friends, lovers, the strange people I've met in the marketplace...

And all of a sudden, it occurred to me that I have never said sorry for the times that I've wronged people. It's nice to be able to sit here, thinking about the wrongs done me and forgive them, but in actual fact, I've affected these people and not realised it at all.

So often, we don't realise that

Our fingerprints never fade from the lives that we touch.

So, I did the only thing I could, I apologised, and while part of the whole affair was to find some closure for myself, I think all of them deserved better from me.

Going The Distance

I recently embarked on a journey with this great girl. If you know me at all, you'd have known that I thought it'd be best if I lived out the rest of my life alone, free to go and come by my own leave.

I can hear you now, oh, Lionel, how are you going to satisfy your carnal needs?

But to go back to the above, yeah, alone. Dig a little deeper, and I am pretty sure 'the rest of my life alone' means the same as 'live like a coward' or 'go to a monastery, shave and be a monk'. But evidently, that only worked out for a few years. The alone part, not the monastery. I've had people whispering behind me, saying that I am not over my ex, hell, even her boyfriend thinks so, which is really strange.

But, going back, this new journey has been fraught with its own pitfalls and potholes. We started just as she was leaving, and she's now 7000 miles away, in the cold country of England, while I am stuck in Malaysia. In our pride, and probably a little hubris, we thought we were bigger than the distance.

I know, logically, that we should have waited for when we would both be here before we embarked on whatever kind of journey, but we both wanted it, and so we tried. And we are still trying.

Yes, it is hard, if you're asking. We have spent more time apart than actually being together in these few months. Yes, the time difference can be a pain. I know to many from the outside, you'll just think that a few months is too short a time, that by the time I feel like I am missing her she'll be back. No, at the moment it does not feel like that, fact is, it feels exactly opposite.

The highlight of my day is our conversations, some brief some long, on skype and, depending on your gender, you'll think it's either sweet, or sad beyond belief. But it's hard, you know? To summarise our days and tell it to one another in a few short, often emotionless sentences. It's hard to sometimes fill in the silence, something that need not be done when two people just hang.

The hardest part is not 7000 miles, or the fact that we, who are such a big part of one another, have so little to play in each others life.

It's the space in between me and her, immeasurable by any metric system, uncountable by any formula. It's the spaces in between where no words can fill, no gestures suffice and no amount of rope can pull any closer.

I think that's the hardest part.

Monsters Under the Bed

The monsters aren't under the bed, they are not in the closet. The monsters aren't the ones who destroys abjectly. They aren't out there, planning to rape anyone or kill anyone. They aren't out there, searching for the next soul to steal, searching for the next house to rob.

The monsters are you and I. People who are indifferent. People who act as they do, believing that there'll be no consequences in the future. People who care more about then lining of their pocket than sparing a few coins for the homeless guy around the corner.

Because we created them, the ones who steal and kill. We created them with our indifference. We created them with our bullying. We created them with our greed, we created them in our pride.

We created them, those so-called monsters.

You and I, we're the monsters.

I Love This Place

but its haunted without you.