Wrestling with God

These past few days, I find myself wondering if it is better to be a good person, or to be a good Christian. Because God knows, I don't think I qualify to be on the good Christian pedestal anymore.

A good Christian boy (a stereotype, bear with me) doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink. Doesn't swear. Doesn't drive fast and run red lights. Doesn't judge a person. Is perpetually filled with peace and happiness. Listens to music that is likewise filled with peace and happiness and not the oh-my-so-emo-I'll-go-cut-my-wrist kind. Doesn't do drugs, obeys unquestioningly, preaches the Gospel to anyone who wants to hear and remains a virgin till he's married. Doesn't ask questions, doesn't doubt. Of course this is a stereotype, the person I just described probably doesn't exist (interestingly, if you do, let me know).

So, no, I am not the good Christian type. Everything that is mentioned above is something I am not, they may not be what I am now, but I've probably broken every one one of them. There are times when I feel like just giving it all up and stop fighting 'the good fight of faith'. No, don't get me wrong, Jesus IS the way, the truth and the life, nothing I've seen or heard will change that, but there are times I feel like just..dropping everything and walking away. I find it so..stifling, the establishment called the church.

'Why?' is a question I ask God all the time. Heck, 'why?' is a question I like to ask, period. My problem is that, when a question is asked about faith, there is no 'why?'. 'Why?'s don't compute in an equation where not seeing multiplied by faith equals believing. There is no 'why?'.

And so I wrestle with God, trying to find my balance between faith and doubt, because I can't help but to ask Him questions, but to question would mean that I doubt, and that doesn't sit quite right somewhere in my chest. You know, I can probably quote some scripture here now about 'having child-like faith' and 'faith can  move mountains' but I can't find it in me to have faith and to doubt at the same time.

I asked God about this, and He quietly reminded me of Jacob when he was wrestling with an Angel. At first, what came to my mind was that, oh, ok, so someone did wrestle with God and actually came out with answers. He (Jacob) persevered -they wrestled all night- and was rewarded richly and I thought, wow, cool, so it is fine that I wrestle with my doubts and my faith. But, the quiet voice continued, Jacob was maimed for life because of this.

At this, I was stopped cold. Is this what has been happening, I asked God. As I go through my doubts, falling, wrestling, sinning, is some part of my being 'maimed'? It has not been a physical wound, but there are wounds in my soul that I know I am not ready to show. And will my wrestling -like Jacob- cause a permanent damage to my self?

I know that the person that I am today is a result of the wounds of my past, without a doubt. The way I perceive the world, the way I want adventures, the way I treat the most important person in my life, the way I write, all of it affected partly by these wounds, or scars, if you will. Without the wrestling and the doubts and the faithless moments, I won't be here today.

But then again, Jacob received Something Very Important on that night, not just his limp. Maybe, the limp may just be worth if I too can receive that something.