I'mJustAboutButNotQuiteMaybeSoon

There is nothing quite as therapeutic to a man than to leave everything, even if it is just for a day, and go on the road. I've learned that sometimes, it is nicer to drive yourself, dictate where you want to go, and actually, sometimes it is nicer just to be driven. It is with the latter that you can really let your mind go.

So I did just that yesterday, I sat in a four hour car-ride (to and fro) and had some time to myself, just thinking. Not even writing, because then I'd be focused on shaping words.

And a few posts back, I wrote about trying to be more than who I am. About removing myself from an equation, about deleting myself. I honestly thought I couldn't do it.

I tried so hard to believe that everything, all of it was a lie. Because to believe that would have made it hurt less. It's easier to believe that love was not real than to try and understand that it just changed. But I can't.  So where does that leave me?

In that car ride, I realised that, yes, yes I can delete myself. I can just want her to be happy and to be fulfilled. I just want her to have a reason to have that goofy grin on her face, even if it wasn't me who put it there. Yes, I want all of that for her. I can, and I do want that. It was quite... liberating.

And from somewhere, a voice told me, it's time. It is finally time to heal.

So here I am, writing about it. Because that's part of healing for me.

Three years ago, the way I dealt with all this was self-destructive. I smoked. I disappeared. I drove like a mad man (I won't tell you what speeds I did). I turned to pornography. In short, I went quite berserk and I lost myself for a little while.

Pain is part of growing-up and it'll most probably always be hard, because the choice will be between what is easy, and what is right. I'm not saying that I don't have the urge to just go out and go crazy again. It's there. It's a battle to not want to suck on the end of a burning stick, or to stare at a screen where people copulate like animals. It is difficult.

In a way, I think it was a cry for attention, but that was what passed as 'healing' for me, back in the day.

It's just the way it is, and life, like it or not, will go on, and now it's time to go make new mistakes and learn new ways to deal with pain.

It is finally time.
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